The Challenge: Shy Guys and Sex

It’s tough being a shy guy. At work, in social situations, or any place that requires interacting with others, shy people are at a disadvantage. When it comes to sexual opportunities, however, the shy guy face a near-insurmountable challenge for two reasons. The first is that most women are attracted to confident men–blame evolution for that–and shy guys often don’t appear confident. The second is that without confidence to approach a woman, a guy simply won’t get very far.

I am a shy guy. I’ve been that way as far back as I can remember. When I was a kid, I would grow tongue-tied if spoken to by an adult. As a teenager, always self-conscious around strangers, I struggled to adjust to new environments. Whenever I started at a new school–which happened several times as my dad’s job required us to move around quite a bit–it would take a few days before I’d finally drum up the courage to say something to the kids around me. I would usually form solid friendships after a while, but in those first few days, before I could get a word out of my mouth to anyone (almost always waiting for others to initiate), I would wonder if I’d ever overcome my shyness.

And as an adult, my shyness has been really frustrating. And nowhere more so than when it comes to dating and sex.

Credit: tumblr/seeksthenight

I enjoy sex best within a relationship. That means if I’m not dating someone, then I’m on the lookout. Every semi-cute girl is a potential girlfriend. But I never initiate conversation. I know guys who will just walk up to strange girls on the subway, in coffee shops, in bookstores, and make conversation. They’ll easily transition from small-talk to flirting. I am in awe of such skills. Never once in my life was I able to do that without feeling like a total idiot. When I see a cute girl, I usually obssess for several minutes over whether or not to say something to her. Those who don’t have the shyness-gene might be quick to say, “Oh, just don’t be so afraid, just go over and say ‘Hi’! Talk about the the weather. Just anything.” But shy people know what it’s like. In my case, as soon as the thought enters my mind, I imagine all kinds of negative responses. My hands turn clammy, my heart begins to pound wildly. My knees begin to shake. The few times that I’ve tried to initiate conversation, my voice would be croaky, and I’d trip over my words. I’m sure there are a minority of girls who might find a shy bumbling guy endearing. But my own attempts have elicited expressions ranging from stiff smiles to disdainful horror.

The result being: weeks without a date. Months without sex. Years without an actual relationship.

And the end result: Sadness, frustration, anger, self-loathing, and lots of determination to end my shyness only to realize that it’s virtually impossible.

I’ve discovered that shyness needs to be dealt with on its own terms. It needs to be recognized as something that’s part of you but needn’t be something to hate about yourself. That’s what this blog is about.

In particular, this blog is about finding sexual and romantic opportunities despite the shyness handicap.

Sex is a powerful aspect ofthe human experience, and even though I prefer it within a relationship, sex is my primary objective. Safe, mutually respectful, mutually pleasurable sex. (Preferrably with a girl; preferably an attractive one.) Romance is nice. So is love. So is owning a pimped-out luxury mega-yacht. The key in life is to prioritize: needs, wants, and so on.

I don’t have any brilliant ideas, nor do I have a great track record for dealing with it myself, but this will be an attempt at a conversation on the subject, if nothing else.

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